Today's post for the June blogging challenge is to talk about a time when you thought about ending your own life. I'll say right off the bat, things might be a little depressing in this post.
I'm one of those people who gets very stressed out really easily, I get major anxiety about things and I do get depressed. Thinking back in my life, I don't really have a specific time where I thought about killing myself, but I do think about what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore.
When I was younger, I struggled alot in school with nasty teachers, nasty kids, and I just never wanted to be there. It all started in 2nd grade when I had the teacher from Hell. I don't even know what her problem was but she always yelled at me and made me sit with one of the meanest kids ever. He was the epitome of a "bad kid." I'm not sure why she always picked on me, but that started my stress and anxiety. I hated going to school because of her and I constantly had stomach aches from the stress. Ever since then, I've felt like my life wasn't worth it and I'd never do anything good with my life.
Even today I get really bad anxiety and terrible stomach aches before I go into work. I know I've mentioned many times before that I work in retail. I won't say which store but I have to say, it can be a really tough job to deal with. Alot of the managers aren't nice, they talk down to us and treat us like children. Alot of the associates aren't nice either. We all have sales goals we have to make, but alot of associates take it to an extreme and fight for sales. It's not right and makes the customer feel like a piece of meat. I refuse to argue with fellow associates about this, so I just go and do recovery to make the floor look nice. Obviously, I still have to sell and help customers, which I do, but I'm not hounding them every 10 seconds. This stresses me out to no end because these people get praised for doing a good job with making their goal, while I get nothing. Who's the one making the selling floor look nice for customers to shop? I am. Do I get anything for it? Nope. I may get a thank you, but it's never sincere.
Whenever I get really upset and sad, I always think to myself, "why the hell am I still here? Why can't I just die?" Alot of times I wish I wasn't around anymore, but I don't think I could ever physically do anything to try and kill myself. I can tell my fiance gets really frustrated with me when I feel like this, but he doesn't really understand, and when I try to talk to him about it, all he says is to get over it. It's much harder to do then just "get over it." I've struggled pretty much my whole life feeling this way, and I still struggle with feeling like my life has purpose. I'd like to think there are great times ahead, but at this moment, I really don't think there is.
This was very hard to write. This whole post may not have made any sense either, but hey, I put myself out there for people to see. Please don't judge me :/