Hey guys! I have a different kind of post today, and it's something that is pretty personal, but means quite a bit to me. I'm going to be talking about how I'm feeling about being pregnant after my miscarriage last Summer, but ending on a happy note, I'm going to let you all know if we're having a boy or girl in December!
If you're new here, or don't remember from previous mentions, I suffered a missed miscarriage in July last year. We found out July 23rd that our baby no longer had a heartbeat, but my body had yet to expel anything. We were completely devastated, especially since we had already heard a strong heartbeat and got a nice ultrasound picture (which we have held onto and is shown above, and placed in a picture frame that sits on a shelf in our living room. We gave the nickname Peanut, since we didn't know if it was a boy or girl yet). After finding out, I decided I wanted to try and naturally miscarry as I was terrified of having to get surgery. Well, after a couple weeks of nothing happening, and me being so depressed and angry at the world, I had a D&C in August, which is the surgery you get if you have a missed miscarriage, or an incomplete miscarriage. The D&C itself went fine, but I had some complications afterwards that I won't get into.
Fast forward to October after I had started a birth control that my OB had recommended, I ended up in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism (blood clots in my lung). I was still depressed from the miscarriage, then that had to happen. It just seemed like things kept getting worse and worse. I was always sad or angry, and kept asking why something so horrible had to happen. I almost felt like I did something in a past life that was catching up to me.
Fast forward again to April. After I had the PE, I was put on blood thinners for 6 months to get rid of the clots in my right lung as well as prevent any new ones from forming. I was finished taking the blood thinners by now, and I found out I was pregnant shortly after, like not even a week later. Part of me was excited, then the other part of me was terrified. I had still been on the thinners when I conceived, and the pills I was taking are not recommended for use during pregnancy. Did I do severe damage to my baby? Is it going to die now because of me? I was so scared and cried for days.
We're now in the beginning of August, and I'm just over 20 weeks along. We've had a couple scares that required emergency room visits, but all is well now. The last 20 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions, and although alot of it is probably due to hormones, nothing has prepared me for how I was going to feel being pregnant after a loss. I read so many blogs and different books on how to feel better or get over it, but in all honesty, I will never get over my loss. We would've had a son in February, but the cause of the miscarriage was Down's Syndrome, according to genetic testing I had done after the D&C. My chances of having a living baby with Down's is actually higher now apparently because of that, and I'm still in the process of doing testing to know for sure if my current baby will have it. So far though, all ultrasounds I've had have been great and nothing looks wrong. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a baby with Down's, I just need to know and prepare myself just in case, because I know it will be hard.
So many people don't understand what I'm going through, because they haven't been through a miscarriage. I get judged all the time for not seeming excited enough and I'm told to just be happy that I'm pregnant again. None of that helps me, if anything it makes any anxiety I have worse. I try my best to keep faith that things will be fine in the end, but I know that there is no safe zone in pregnancy. I've seen women go through losses at 10 weeks like I did, and then there are women who go through a loss at 20 weeks, 30 weeks, even full-term at 40 weeks. It's mind boggling how common miscarriage is, yet it's such a taboo subject.
Now, with all that being said, My husband and I are very excited that I have made it this far in this current pregnancy. I may not show it outwardly because my heart is still being guarded, but I am excited. I guess you all are dying to know what we're having, unless you already scrolled past everything I just wrote......
WE'RE HAVING A GIRL! I was stunned honestly, because all this time I totally thought it was going to be a boy. My husband and I truly had no preference of boy or girl, we just want a happy, healthy baby. I did cry though finding out, because I always dreamed of having a little girl, but again, after having my loss, it wouldn't have bothered me either way. I can't wait to meet her and see how my big, burly bear of a husband is going to be around a little baby girl. It's probably going to be the cutest thing ever, just saying. We're both so incredibly thankful that things are going well so far, and I truly believe that our son is watching over her in Heaven, making sure his little sister is safe and healthy.
This wasn't an easy post to write, so I do hope that anyone who reads this, reads it all the way through and gains some perspective on what going through a pregnancy after a loss is like.
Thank you to everyone who has sent prayers and well wishes our way! Keep sending them that everything keeps going well!